fucking uber

ACT ONE:

Jake Adjutant, Eifion Lewis, Brandon Lehman, Alex Hart, Taylor Maddox and Anthony Brevick had just defeated a fifteenth-rate villain (and lost their old weapons, and thus are using inferior technology), when, out of the blue, a blue fucker ran up and stole Brandon's fucking hat! Fuck! Brandon immediately broke down crying, and a random little girl ran up to him yelling "Mister! Mister! You look sad! Would you like my RANDOM ERECTION SYNDROME doll?". Jake quietly said "yes", and put it in Brandon's arms. Alex, Anthony and Taylor carried him out of the castle.

Outside, they found Antony Lusmore selling a little red wagon. They bought it, because, you know, it's easier than carrying the fucker. They gave Antony 100 gp, which he proceeded to eat. Then he offered to join the group, and they agreed, because they needed someone to pull the wagon. Then they walked half-a-mile, and found a Stevo clone camp, where they were singing rousing verses of "My Name is Stevo". Jake decided to slaughter them all for fun. He decapatated one and wore the head on a string around his neck, to be funny. They slept there for the night.

Inside one of the Stevo tents, they found a Santa hat, which the gave to Brandon. This made him perk up and be of use. He dropped the RANDOM ERECTION SYNDROME doll on the ground, and Jake scooped it up, and put it in his inventory. Then Jake sat in the wagon, and had Antony pull him for lulz, and because Jake is a lazy bastard.

The party eventually stumbled upon a... party in the woods, with Eric Johnson caressing a bunch of dolphins. Jake jumped out of the wagon, and said "hi". Eric said "hi" back, and gave him a pile of shit. Jake, overjoyed by this, runs around in circles with it above his head before putting it in his inventory. Then he talks to Eric again, who pats him on the head, and points the party towards the showers. The party showers, and feel much better afterwards. They don't shower together, though. That would just be gay.

Back at the party scene, the... party sees Brandon's little brother, Colin. He begs to join the party, and offers to pull TWO wagons in addition to Antony's one. Brandon and Eifion hop in his wagons, and Jake hops in Antony's, and they're off.

ACT TWO:

Along the way, they stop in that old town they passes a while ago, and Shit ran over and fucking punched Eifion in the face, saying "he was hogging Jake's screen time", and gave Jake a kazoo and some bacon. The kazoo so he could summon her, presumably to sacrifice her to some God, for lulz, and the bacon 'cos he's skinny as hell. I mean, does he even eat?

Continuing through the town, they spot the old bank, and Brandon runs back in, and starts sexing the teller. And Eifion grabs yet another teller and yells for his fucking money. This gets him arrested, and everyone else except Brandon, who's too busy having sex, hatches a plan to save him.

At noon, the remaining heroes run towards the jail disguised as travelling Polka players, and immediately kill the guards and release Eifion. And then they strip naked, get Brandon and walk towards the kid's cabins area, where they threw Eifion into a crowd of orphans, where he "showed them his new magic trick".

Next, the dudes ran towards the forest, where they found a cabin, which they entered, and found a note, a jar of reproductive fluids, and a picture of Tom Scholz. The note read "Obligatory Appearnce - Tom Scholz". The disregard this, and Eifion forces the reproductive fluids inside him. All in all, a boring cabin.